Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Blog writing prompt due 2/3
This week we have been reading in Zinnser's On Writing Well about methods, principles, and attitudes in writing non-fiction. Please choose one of the chapter topics: transaction, simplicity, words, unity, or lead and ending. Then find a sample paragraph from an essay online that does a good or bad job using the advice Zinnser gave. Please post the sample and discuss what was done well or poorly based on the topic you choose. Comment on this post with your response. Do not forget to comment on a classmates response.
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There is a person that very important to me that person is my great great grandma. She is important to me because she gives me guides in my life. I go visit at least two times a week to see how she is doing. She just turned one hundred and one years old on September 6. She likes to do everything for herself. The doctor said she has the heart of a sixteen year old. I go to her house to help clean up and take out the garbage. I do whatever she wants me to do at her house when she wants me to come help she call my cell phone and I come ran because she is very important. On her birthday the whole family comes to her house. She doesn̢۪t like much company but she is happy when I come by. She is my role model in my life. She is why I try my best in class.
ReplyDeleteThis essay that was online hits the nail right on the head when it comes to not listening to Zinsser's tip about rewriting your essays in chapter 1. I have read this essay multiple times and every time i read it I spot a nee mistake. Clearly the person who wrote this essay did not rewrite it. As you can see, the sentences are short and repetitive. They just continue to state little facts that have nothing to do with what they are actually writing about. This essay is being sent to a college to see if they will get accepted. If the writer reread their essay they would have seen that none of it even made sense and supported why they actually wanted to go to the college. Rereading and then rewriting over and over would have made a major difference with this essay and it should have been done.
Agree with what you said 100 percent. On a first draft you are writing what you are thinking in your head. And in your head, everything is going to make sense. This is why it is so important to reread it to yourself and check for errors; because your head and hands aren't always on the same page when you're typing.
Deletehonestly reading the paragraph you posted... it took longer than anticipated because i kept stopping at errors. I was forced to reread sentences because i was busy mentally correcting the errors that i saw.
DeleteWriting of this manner leaves the audience confused, and a lot of time is wasted trying to figure out what is actually trying to be said. It also leaves the reader questioning your expertise or vailidity... why would i want to waste my time reading something when the writer couldn't even take a moment to proof read.
Reading this paragraph makes me think that the writer is fluent in another language. There are many times that when I am talking or writing I have to constantly correct myself because it sounds correct in Portuguese but when I translate it I need to switch how the words are read or said.
DeleteNow the writer should be aware of that and proofread or have someone else proofread his work. I agree that it is difficult to read and understand so I would not waste my time and read it either.
Great example of why rewriting and proofreading is important. Since you found this online it means it has a wide audience.
DeleteCarla- that is a great catch. I have a feeling you may be right.
DeleteKevin Ward
ReplyDelete"Money causes teenagers to feel stress. It makes them feel bad about themselves and envy other people. My friend, for instance, lives with her family and has to share a room with her sister, who is very cute and intelligent. This girl wishes she could have her own room and have a lot of stuff, but she can’t have these things because her family doesn’t have much money. Her family’s income is pretty low because her father is old and doesn’t go to work. Her sister is the only one who works. Because her family can’t buy her the things she wants, she feels a lot of stress and gets angry sometimes. Once, she wanted a beautiful dress to wear to a sweetheart dance. She asked her sister for some money to buy the dress. She was disappointed because her sister didn’t have money to give her. She sat in silence for a little while and then started yelling out loud. She said her friends got anything they wanted but she didn’t. Then she felt sorry for herself and asked why she was born into a poor family. Not having money has caused this girl to think negatively about herself and her family. It has caused a lot of stress in her life."
This paragraph displays proper unity while revealing that it is okay to switch tenses when necessary. Zinsser's advice said to chose one tense that is principally addressed to the reader. In this case present tense was used for the majority of the paragraph, but some verbs switch when talking about the girl in this paragraph. Caused ended in -ed in the second to last sentence to describe what not having money did to this girl. Overall this paragraph, while not perfect, effectively displays the proper use of writing with unity, according to Zinsser.
This paragraph, as you said, is perfect example of being able to switch tenses but keep unity. Switching tenses as Zinsser talks about can lead to confusion, and the reader having more questions that answers. In this example the reader has no trouble following the story line.
DeleteGreat example. I was able to read along and stay focused on this essay easily. It does an excellent job of switching tenses smoothly and staying focused on the subject idea. As Zinsser said, you must be able to switch tenses smoothly and keep unity just as this essay does.
DeleteGood example of tense shift that can work.
DeleteThis writer does an excellent job of switching tenses without throwing the reader for a loop. They are smooth transitions that I as a reader had no problem following. This is important because if you do confuse a reader they are likely to get frustrated and stop.
Delete“After all, what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we're doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.”
ReplyDelete― Paulo Coelho, The Witch Of Portobello
i think this excerpt taken from this book does a good job at following the advice given in Chapter 2 on Simplicity.
after reading it... you are not left confused on what the author is trying to state. He even goes the extra mile by putting the statement in different contexts so the reader may understand the purpose of the writing. It is simplified, and stated in a direct manner with examples.Every word serves a function... it is not clouded with large fancy words that can be applied in a more "stripped" version.
I agree with the simplicity in your excerpt. Coelho's use of pauses through punctuation really allow you to capture the tone / mood in which it should be read. The multiple contexts really drive the point home, like you said.
DeleteI do a lot of pretty random stupid shit thinking that I will write about it. Most of my activities turn out to be useless, though there’s always the idea that I could hit upon something so I live in this constant state of expectation that’s not as exciting as it sounds and is actually mildly depressing. This is because the pretense of adventure, day in and day out, when hardly anything actually ever happens eventually wears on you, especially when you are not rich. As much as one tries to tell oneself that things are being accomplished, such encouragement is no match for the more persistent mantra which goes something like this: Hey, you’re an idiot. Get a job. Oh. Wait. You are unemployable. Okay. Well. You’re just an idiot.
ReplyDelete-How To Bully Children by Sarah Miller · March 13, 2012
I had to read this paragraph a second time because there were so many random words. I felt that this paragraph lacked "simplicity". I only skimmed the rest of the article and it had a good message but the whole thing was very verbose. I think the writer tried to hook people in by her unconventional first sentence but the only thing that hooked me in was the title of the article.
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DeleteI agree that this paragraph lacks simplicity. I, too, had to read it twice before I could comprehend it. The very first sentence is worded confusingly. I also thought the following sentence, especially, needed to be simplified: "This is because the pretense of adventure, day in and day out, when hardly anything actually ever happens eventually wears on you, especially when you are not rich." It runs on in a way that makes it difficult to follow the point the reader is trying to make.
DeleteI think it depends about the context and the audience. It would be verbose from some contexts but not others.
Delete"Zamyatin attempted to publish his iconic novel, We, in the USSR, but the Bolshevik government banned its publication there in 1921. In the years after the Bolshevik revolution, he wrote articles criticizing Lenin’s massacres, Russia’s labor policies, and the treatment of peasants. We was smuggled abroad, ensuring Zamyatin’s literary death in Russia. He was among the first dissidents, and appealed to Stalin directly to leave Russia. He was granted leave and settled in France, where his essays and stories gained him mild acclaim. He remained involved in his home country as far as it would allow him, and so took part in the anti-fascist International Congress for the Defense of Culture as a member of Soviet delegation"
ReplyDelete-Yevgeny Zamyatin, by Halper
Chapter 2. Simplicity
To me this essay's beginning was a perfect example of simple writing. There is no excess cliches or words to bulk up the sentences. Each sentence is concise and says exactly what it needs to. You learn more information, and it is not filled with clutter. Reading this you do not find anything not connecting to the main idea. The writer does not stray, and you can easily follow the author. Zinsser emphasizes in his chapter on simplicity, just that. Keeping everything simple, not adding filler just to make something longer or to add a cliche. Zinsser would not want anyone to put anything in their essay that is not essential.
"An Olympic athlete must be strong both physically and mentally. First of all, if you
ReplyDeletehope to compete in an Olympic sport, you must be physically strong. Furthermore, an aspiring Olympian must train rigorously for many years. For the most demanding sports, they train several hours a day, five or six days a week, for ten or more years. In addition to being physically strong, he or she must also be mentally tough. This means that you have to be totally dedicated to your sport, often giving up a normal school, family, and social life. Being mentally strong also means that he or she must be able to withstand the intense pressure of international competition with its attendant media coverage. Finally, not everyone can win a medal, so they must possess the inner strength to live with defeat."
In chapter 8, Zinsser tells his readers that “Unity is the anchor of good writing.” This includes unity of mood and tone, unity of tense and unity of pronoun. The previous paragraph demonstrates poor use of pronoun unity. Zinsser says an effective writer must choose whether they will be writing from the viewpoint of a participant, in the first person, as an observer, in the third person, or in the second person. Once a position is chosen, the writer then must maintain the unity of their pronouns from that point of view. In the previous paragraph, the author begins describing the qualities that “an Olympic athlete” possesses. Then in the second sentence the author says “if you hope to compete...,” switching the pronoun stance as if he were talking directly to an aspiring Olympic athlete. The sentences continue to alternate pronouns throughout the paragraph, saying “they train several hours a day,” followed by “he or she must also be mentally tough,” and then jumping to “you have to be totally dedicated to your sport.” This inconsistency creates confusion for the reader and thus makes the whole paragraph less effective.
Excellent example for the lack of pronoun unity and the confusion it causes.
Delete"There were no attendants at home; they had absconded to make merry in honour of the time. I had told them that I should not return until the morning, and had given them explicit orders not to stir from the house. These orders were sufficient, I well knew, to insure their immediate disappearance, one and all, as soon as my back was turned."
ReplyDelete-Edgar Allen Poe
Chapter 2: Simplicity
I found it interesting that this excerpt from Edgar Allen Poe's "The Cask Of Amantillado" contradicts everything Zinsser preaches, yet Poe is legendary in literature. While reading, I had to keep in mind that these two styles, although both literature, require an entirely different process of writing & revision. Zinsser argues, "Every word that serves no function, every long word that could be a short word, every adverb that carries the same meaning that's already in the verb, every passive construction that leaves the reader unsure of who is doing what- these are the thousand and one adulterants that weaken the strength of a sentence." which Poe uses consistently. He also writes in a complicated, Yoda-like dialect which can be difficult to follow. Additionally, Poe uses vocabulary that could otherwise be simplified. i.e. "they had absconded to make merry in honour of the time". The standard reader who lacks the drive to look up the definition, or can't for that matter, loses interest in the story.
"By any reasonable standard, nobody would want to look twice or even once at the piece of slippery elm bark from Clear Lake, Wisc., birthplace of pitcher Burleigh Grimes, that is on display at the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY. As the label explains, it is the kind of bark Grimes chewed during games to "increase saliva for throwing the spitball. When wet, the ball sailed to the plate in deceptive fashion."
ReplyDeleteChapter 9: Leading and the Ending
Zinsser talks about how the lead can be the most important part of an essay. I didn't hate the lead for this excerpt but I didn't love it. Reading it I was only slightly intrigued by the fact it was about baseball so I continued. Zinsser liked the lead because it accomplished what he feels is the hardest part for the writer which is coming up with a some what intriguing lead. He likes the fact that the author uses a quirky fact to gets the readers attention which is always a good approach. Zinsser himself went to the Hall of fame to look for the bark and discovered many other great artifacts that could have been good for a lead but when he came across the bark he found that it seemed perfect for a lead. The moral of his story was to collect as much data as you can and pick which you think will work best for a lead.
Any time i see baseball i start reading
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"I've often wondered what goes into a hod dog.Now I know and wish I didn't."
ReplyDeleteThis sentence is a real good lead and gets right to the point because it makes me as the reader curious of what is in a hot dog and why someone would wish they didn't know what was in a hot dog.
I as the reader can infer that its going to be disgusting. However the sentence does keep me engaged and curious and makes me want to read more.
Judging by the 1060 mainly hostile answers that the department got when it sent out a questionaire on this point the very thought is unthinkable.The public mood was the most felicitously caught by the women who replied " i dont eat feather mentof no kind"
ReplyDeleteThe most important piece to any piece of writing to me is its title and very beginning. Your title and beginning grab the reader’s attention and make people want to continue reading. I can’t tell you how many times I have scrolled through fb and have clicked on articles to read just because they had a title that grabbed my attention. I would later ask myself why I wasted many time reading this. Reason being the title and possibly the first very beginning.
The ending to me is also extremely important because it is essential in order to make a piece of writing stay in your mind and resonate. For example I’ll never ever forget the story of the boy in the striped pajamas because of the ending that story had.
Bottom line the beginning of any piece of writing actually makes you read the piece of writing and the ending of any piece of writing makes you remember any piece of writing. The old saying don’t judge a book by its cover is very true.
Any time i see baseball i start reading
ReplyDelete"Attending a baseball game is a very exciting, mind opening event. The sights at a game are awesome. The grass fresh cut and Kelly green. The dirt soft, silky, and perfectly combed. The stadium filled with faces and camera flashes, the players warming up before the game in hopes of winning. There are people walking up and down the isles selling hot dogs, peanuts, and cotton candy. All these are wonderful sights at a baseball game. The smells at a baseball game are limitless. The smell of fresh hotdogs fills the air. Freshly cut grass that smells like new beginnings is in the atmosphere. Peanuts and sugar filled cotton candy fill the air of the bleachers. The air smells cleaner, like there is no pollution or smog in it, everything is perfect."
ReplyDeleteIn chapter 6, Zinnser mentions how writers should try to avoid cheap words, repeating phrases and cliches. I feel like in this paragraph the writer get's so corny on the reader and personally bored me to sleep. Can you possibly be anymore cliche when it comes to talking about a baseball game? The green grass, the hotdogs, the peanuts, it's all just too much for me. The writer also mentions all the things that are fun to see at a game. Then he goes and immediately list them again, only to talk about the smells of all these things. Also, that line about the air smelling cleaner is just the kind of thing that turns a realistic reader off. His word choice is sub-par and his references are way to cliche.